Dreary Like The Morning

Dreary like the morning you keep me yawning
With your boring features and your pouring
Of your broken heart all over the floor
You bore me to death so much I would rather slam my head in the door
The endless pain your voice brings me
Like a needle through my eye so now I can't see
That's a relief, I would stare with disbelief
At this horrendous state that I used to call my mate
Those awkward ways and childish days
We all hoped you'd grow out of it
But no such luck, life is shit
Lifes a bitch, you're a dick
You're insane a total prick
An endless nightmare
Bain of my life to alls despair
You make me pull out all my hair
Fuck your mum, I took it there
And your dad, should've slapped you as a lad
You wreck my head and make me mad
If you dropped dead we'd all be glad
You won't be missed by those you've kissed
Good riddance to a bad smell
What you provide is hard to tell
Other than your incessant wining
And your depressing obsessive pining
Wet blanket doesn't do the the job
Pure and simple you're a knob

Ex-factor

Something goes down you think it may be you
Something's wrong she's looking awfully blue
Ask the stupid questions like is there anything I can do
But that just pisses her off more. Lost. But none of this is new

You try to get her attention. Nothing. You wonder who is her captor
She has no poker face. But through her voice, somebody has trapped her
You slowly learn its an old boyfriend creeping like a raptor
This feels like a certain case of the dreaded ex-factor

A Love So Tight

A love so tight that I can hold it in my hand
Clench my fist and never let it go
Hold it for so long it leaves a mark
Brand me for all to see
Hold no secrets
Let the world know whose love I hold
And let them know that they hold my mine too
A trust that runs deep within
Keeps you warm inside
Most of all when they're not with you
Sneak away from the crowds of life and gaze upon your love
Breath it in
Hold my breath so your love consumes my chest
And hold it there until I have to breath it out
And now you're all around me
Hold my arms out and feel your love between my fingers
Then wrap you tightly back into my palm
I carry your love with me always

Wap Pow

Wap Pow I Spaffed On Your Face
And next thing you pulled that face
And I couldn't place
My concentration
I finished the race
Wap pow I spaffed on your face

Oh my days the look on your face
That whining sound that filled the place
You wiped it off and we took up a chase
Shit. I just spaffed on your face.

We'd had the dirty sex talk before
You'd made it clear not the jaw
Its nasty, demoralising and its raw.
Oops I just spaffed on your face.

Its not my fault
You made me bolt
My load across your hooker chin
That dirty whorish look you give
I couldn't keep it in
That's why I spaffed on your face!

Chill out slag tits!

Black Dress

Sexy little number
The bird in the black dress
Can't quite get my head around the fact that you think you look a mess
True say it's early it's 8.30 in the morning
And half the people passing us are stretching and yawning
Looks like bare people had a late night last night
But trust me when I say you're looking good in the daylight

Heavy hitting it we drank the bar dry
Standard drunken awkward conversions I think I want to die
The word cringe in the dictionary should be accompanied by my mugshot
These horrendous flashbacks. Parts of the night I purposely forgot
What on earth possessed you to agree to this date?!
Your first impression of me I was an absolute state!

Attributes to note; stalking, awkward talking, text message reading, drug dealing, my my how appealing

Funny game to play. Let's see how many times we can mention Chris
And then remember once again that my Mum is in fact his Dad's sis
He is therefore my cousin by definition
And leaves you in that awkward position
You mentioned far too much info last night that probably shouldn't be relayed
To keep this mouth shut a brother best get paid

Last night was completely and utterly jokes
Just wine this time. Kept well off the JD and cokes
How funny was it when I text and put
You're initials are JD, completely shooting myself in the foot
Totally oblivious to my intoxicated whit
I repeated my best lines sober like an absolute tit

Staring straight through you and into space
You asked me what I was looking at and I said your face
Bladdy original answer just like my mate Bob
I can make up names too you know like little Tim, Big Steve and Fat Rob

If I'm being totally honest and I'm telling the truth
You made way too big a deal about your snaggly tooth
Haha I'm only kidding it's not snaggly I swear
I hadn't noticed till you told me but now I can't help but stare

Manipulated

Manipulated, she looks through the window into a pleasant world
She can call this place a home
Of course she can because that's what she's being told it is
He'll love you first and foremost
After the dog, his girlfriend and of course himself

Every so often the view from the window becomes smeared
The dirty marks that are reality
But that's what charlie the window cleaner is there for
Just one wipe and already the view appears better
A simple fix

The world outside may seem perfect from the inside looking out
But the view into the house is something quite different
This empty building with fading pretty wallpaper
The aftermath of a preoccupied tenant
This house was once perfect

But can this house still be saved?
A question that is passed around the block
The doors are locked and the view is so picturesque
But who would want to live with such conditions
Restrictions and complications

But who am I to comment
I'm just a nosy neighbour walking his dog

Happy Birthday Glover

Hey Miss Glover Happy Birthday chick
My gift to you is some birthday dick
Hop on board bitch. Straddle me good
I'm gonna stick it to you like a nigga from the hood
Birthday greetings, and hair pulling too
Slag tits you're gonna get it all night through
Gonna grace you with the Sabri good stuff
If you're lucky I might even lick your muff
Fingers crossed I won't knock you up duck
Else next birthday you'll be a mother I'd like to fuck

Happy birthday x

Delayed Flight

Delayed flight
As if out of spite
Unfair as fuck
Just my luck
Sabris law at play

Unusual circumstances my arse
This shits a farse
I'm sick to death of waiting
There's no point debating
So I'm gonna sit my ass in this seat
And revel with disappointment at this deceit

If I could fly this bastard plane believe me I would
Fuck the flight attendant and the pilot
I'm about to start a riot
First off they had me waiting at the wrong gate
Then they miss the take off slot and make us all late
I might have something important that I mustn't miss
Open heart surgery or a night out on the piss

These are some waste man tactics
Believe me darling that's my teeth I've just kissed
This shit aint funny. I'm mega pissed
Pissed in both senses of the word
Totally fucked off. Yes that's right I'll flick you the bird

Chris and Carly

Chris and carly
Tight as fuck like fruit and barley
You guys only met like 28 days ago
I'm staggered. You guys get on like a house on fire
You've pretty much got what most couples desire
Bet you thought I didn't hear you that first night you stayed round
I'd have had to have been deaf not to hear a sound
Girl you got dealt with
It was like a scene from an old western flick
Get in there johnsoc. Whoop that trick
This went on for ages
If it were a book it'd be pages
Long
Chris has a big schlong
And by the way I'm not trying to imply you are a whore
I'm just saying I bet you were mighty sore
After such a long ordeal
I hope you got a breakfast meal
Bedded and breakfast its got a nice ring to it
Complimentary coco pops after I hit that shit
There'll be no mints left on the pillow in the morning
Just dirty bedsheet stain discoveries whilst your yawning
What the fuck is wrong with me
Where the fucks my dignity
Kind of bird that would have a spit roast
Now a notch on johnsocs bedpost

The Ballad Of Karl Flanner

Karl Flanner
There are 70 million people in the uk
There are almost 7 billion people in the world
Anything you try mate I guarantee someone has already done better than you
It's a depressing thought
But why go through life a worry wart

Karl Flanner
You could have a ferrari convertible and drive around with the top down all week
But I guarantee that you'll still feel depressed when the clouds come out and its rains
Own any car in the world mate and there'll always release a better one
Why try to compete.
Don't try to win this endless feat

Karl Flanner
You might have the best job you could think
But you still work for someone else
Should this be a reason to feel depressed?
Should you beat yourself up for not being the top dog
You should pride your self on having a sick job

Karl Flanner
You might not own a house
But guess what neither do a lot of people these days
The average house price has soared
Its ridiculous now mate
Remember mate don't be ashamed of what you've got
Back in the day you didn't even have a piss pot

Karl Flanner
You might worry that the whole bar thinks your well tight
But trust me you really don't have to buy some bubbly
How many of these people are you going to meet again
You've got nothing to prove to folk
Paying 80 pound for four sips of champagne is a total joke

Karl Flanner
The point I'm trying to make
Is don't compare yourself to everyone else
Like I've already said, there are too many people in the world and they're more than likely better than you at something
Don't fixate on other people and obsess
Just marvel at the brilliance of your own success

Karl Flanner
I know that deep inside yourself
There lies a dormant inner Karl
Content with everything that life has to offer
You need to wake this inner being
It'll prove a job worth while
You'll learn to appreciate yourself and laugh and joke and smile