Paranoia

Here's a pocketful of paranoia
Just for ya
Wrapped neatly so as to hide
I'm not crazy I'm just sure you've lied
I just can't prove it that's the problem
You're a deceitful cheating goblin

Kathryn

Kathryn
Dearest Kathryn I've something to note
It might have taken all year but solemnly quote
I think I love you with all my heart
Its a funny story and so I start
You arrived in your bag of nails that you called a Fiat
With this Lincoln attitude something different all be it
A Lincolner none the less
With a lifestyle and facebook page a total mess
But something stood out past the chip shop floor feast video
The lead actress in "Kathryns life" Sky 1s brand new show
Starring Kathryn Glover
My future kids mother
Yea that's right "kids", mother focker
I'm gonna stick it to you good and proper
Anal shower sex and everything
Hurt to sit down, ouch you'll sing
You've got some funny little things about you
Like the fact you can't stand to see people spew
It used to make you heave
And the room you'd have to leave
But you over came your fear
And that's what makes you special my dear
Not special as in you have to wear a safety helmet and that
Cus quite frankly you'd look a twat
And that's not how I roll
I'd look an asshole
And I've got a reputation to uphold
But thank god that's not you, well so I've been told
We have had some messy nights
And in the mornings you've gave us all quite a fright
You've looked your worst, fuck me you've looked a state
But wait
Even at your lowest, and there's been some real lows
The beautiful person inside you shows
And I'm not trying to say your up the duff
And you've got your legs wide open flashing your stuff
That talk speaks for savages
By the way Ben Good says down there smelt like cabbages?
Before we engage please ensure you soak
It'd be no laughing matter if I got down there and you made me choke
But I digress
One day you'll say yes
And we'll paint a fence and shed
Or whatever it was that jagged edge said
And we'll start a new chapter
And live happily ever after
Just as long as you don't turn out to be a man
Questionable I know
And have massive hands
And don't eat ham
Halal only remember strict muslim now
You can't eat pig but you can eat cow
I think the point of this was to express my love and devotion
I'm under your spell and you've got me with your love potion
But first and foremost before our lives become entwined
Will you start by being my valentine?

Once There Was A Bird Named JBird

Once there was a bird named JBird
Who usually did what she preferred
She would fly over fields and farms
And would get out of mischief through charm
She would often blow things out of proportion
I would advise that you approach her with caution
During one of her regular flights
She was challenged with an almighty height
As she started to climb came the self doubting
And she instantly regretted her outing
But she made it from one side to the other
And she did it with ease and no bother
So what was clear was the fact she had discounted
She had flown over a mole hill not a mountain

One Legged Race

I'm not used to this one legged race
I usually use two feet
I'm not doing as good as I thought
I'm headed for defeat
It's hard for me this whole new change
It sometimes gets me down
I'm not used to things not going my way
I often wear a frown
People make this outfit look easy
They don't show the real deal
Like the anxiety that builds within
The awful thoughts you feel
It hits you deep within your chest
It lingers there for days
The anxiety consumes your thoughts
It clouds your rational ways
I'm really not the jealous type
I've never known what to do
When situations spring to life
I struggle and over think them through
I end up being over accepting
And the truth I start to bend
I make out like things don't bother me
It always fucks me in the end
I bottle it up full to the brim
And stagger for as long as I can bear
Until this mighty weight defeats me
And I scream in to the air
I let it rip and out it spews
This built up anger and resent
It's been left for far too long
All which I never meant
Out of control emotionally
My deepest fear of all
But this is my reality
A burden I have to haul

Big Angry Sis

Big angry sis
Oh how I do wish
We'd get on just like siblings should

You always look stressed
Just give it a rest
I think you forget that we're blood

You ignore me for days
When you don't get your ways
Sometimes you just act like a child

You're stubborn and mean
It's rather obscene
I can only describe you as wild

You're lovely to start
And you talk from the heart
But then comes your horrible side

All punches and fists
Through this foul angry mist
Dr Jekyll is now Mr Hyde

The Man In The Stripy Top

The man in the stripy top
Fuck me I wish he would stop
Cringe material he'll so regret
Kind of stuff you wont forget

Waving elbows side to side
This dickheads shocking out with pride
Totally oblivious to lack of skill
This idiot thinks he's out to thrill

What lady in her right mind would
Bed you if she understood
This isn't something you're putting on
You actually think you're a dance floor don

But let's not get ahead with this
It would take more than one wish
To get any bird back to your place
Even those birds with an awful face

Your moves are absolutely cheesy
Take some advice, just follow breezy
When the tracks about to drop
Do the two step don't go over the top

Big Meal

Big meal, long wait, I'm stuffed
Worth while, chow down, I'm chuffed
Let's pay, who's paid? Short changed
Mum pays, dad pays, enraged

Costs ten, eat free, piss take
Pay nowt, free meal, cheap mates
Fat cats, get drunk, shock out
Dirty dance, pure cheese, no doubt

Next bar, more drunk, get wrecked
Track drops, lean back, two steps
Champagne, vodka, move hips
Spiked drink, tastes strange, short sips

Happy Birthday Nikki Wright

Happy birthday Miss Nikki Wright
Age and beauty go together, am I right?
As you get older you're still looking tight
Let's dance and drink and celebrate tonight

Party hard or go home until its daylight
Don't let none of these bitches steal the limelight
Standard flashing the bar cus your outfit was white
When your jeans tore apart it almost ended the night

Amy Derrick came through much to your delight
Changing outfits in public gave the lads a free sight
Party legend at heart, always one to excite
25 today!! Happy birthday Nikki Wright

Sat On The Edge

Sat on the edge like I'm about to jump
Into this intriguing world called story
The storyteller offers back my attention
Apologises, she thinks this would bore me

The audacity
The cheek
If I don't hear this
How on earth am I to sleep

This lack of new knowledge
The pain of not knowing
Tell us for gods sake
The anticipation is growing

The pauses grow longer
Intensity is burning
Ive been a good lad so far
This agony's so not deserving

I plead one more time
I demand that she utter
This story must be heard
Finally she stutters...

There was no cat story
Just an example without facts

Fuck me
What an anti-climax

That Awkward Moment When

That awkward moment when
Your heart drops and then
You smile and try to act polite
You swear to god its not your night
So far you had enjoyed the day
It's like a balancing act at play
You cannot have fun all day long
Without something going wrong
The good and bad go hand in hand
It's such a shame they can't be planned
It tends to catch you by surprise
But always keep your head held high
And remember the following my old mucker
I am JBird motherfucker!